The Latest 330 Funniest Facebook, Twitter and Google Plus Status Updates

Looking for funny, silly, witty, clever, embarrassing and simply the best facebook, twitter and google plus status updates? Then look no further! Check out these:

1. Laugh at your problems, everybody else does.
2. Worrying works! 90% of the things I worry about never happen.
3. I thought I wanted a career, turns out I just wanted paychecks.
4. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.
5. Never get into fights with ugly people, they have nothing to lose.
6. A little boy asked his father, “Daddy, how much does it cost to get married?” Father replied, “I don’t know son, I’m still paying.”
7. Artificial intelligence is no match for natural stupidity.
8. The longer the title the less important the job.
9. Just remember…if the world didn’t suck, we’d all fall off.
10. Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.
11. I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you.
12. The shinbone is a device for finding furniture in a dark room.
13. Why does someone believe you when you say there are four billion stars, but check when you say the paint is wet?
14. The sole purpose of a child’s middle name, is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.
15. Good girls are bad girls that never get caught.
16. Some people say “If you can’t beat them, join them”. I say “If you can’t beat them, beat them”, because they will be expecting you to join them, so you will have the element of surprise.
17. I’m never sure what to do with my eyes when I’m at the dentist. Do I close them? Do I stare at his face? Do I look at the ceiling? What’s the proper etiquette here?
18. No, I’m not feeling violent, I’m feeling creative with weapons.
19. You do not need a parachute to skydive. You only need a parachute to skydive twice.
20. By the time a man realizes that his father was right, he has a son who thinks he’s wrong.
21. Better to remain silent and be thought a fool, than to speak and remove all doubt.
22. Some people are like Slinkies … not really good for anything, but you can’t help smiling when you see one tumble down the stairs.
23. Did you know that dolphins are so smart that within a few weeks of captivity, they can train people to stand on the very edge of the pool and throw them fish?
24. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.
25. A bank is a place that will lend you money, if you can prove that you don’t need it.
26. Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.
27. If I agreed with you we’d both be wrong.
28. Is it just me, or are 80% of the people in the “people you may know” feature on Facebook people that I do know, but I deliberately choose not to be friends with?
29. The real reason women live longer than men because they don’t have to live with women.
30. Eat right, exercise, die anyway.
31. Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit; Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.
32. Children: You spend the first 2 years of their life teaching them to walk and talk. Then you spend the next 16 years telling them to sit down and shut-up.
33. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed regularly, and for the same reason.
34. Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good evening’, and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.
35. To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.
36. We buy things we don’t need, with money we don’t have, to impress people we don’t know.
37. I may be fat, but you’re ugly – I can lose weight!
38. I wish Google Maps had an “Avoid Ghetto” routing option.
39. A husband is someone who after taking the trash out, gives the impression he just cleaned the whole house.
40. Always borrow money from a pessimist. He won’t expect it back.
41. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell in such a way that you will look forward to the trip.
42. We have enough gun control. What we need is idiot control.
43. My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I am right.
44. I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
45. When in doubt, mumble.
46. WARNING: The consumption of alcohol may make you think you are whispering when you are not.
47. I like work. It fascinates me. I sit and look at it for hours.
48. I used to be indecisive. Now I’m not sure.
49. There is a great need for sarcasm font.
50. Every so often, I like to go to the window, look up, and smile for a satellite picture.
51. When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.
52. Worry is interest paid in advance for a debt you may never owe.
53. The advantage of exercising every day is that you die healthier.
54. Knowledge is power, and power corrupts. So study hard and be evil.
55. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.
56. Some people hear voices.. Some see invisible people.. Others have no imagination whatsoever.
57. If winning isn’t everything why do they keep score?
58. After (M)onday and (T)uesday even the week says WTF !!
59. Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
60. Girls are like roads, more the curves, more the dangerous they are.
61. Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?
62. The difference between in-laws and outlaws? Outlaws are wanted.
63. Money talks…but all mine ever says is good-bye.
64. Our generation doesn’t knock on doors. We will call or text to let you know we’re outside.
65. They keep saying the right person will come along, I think mine got hit by a truck.
66. If the number 2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still number 2?
67. By the time you learn the rules of life, you’re too old to play the game.
68. We are all time travelers moving at the speed of exactly 60 minutes per hour
69. Dogs have masters. Cats have staff.
70. I don’t have a beer gut, I have a protective covering for my rock hard abs.
71. People tend to make rules for others and exceptions for themselves.
72. I have all the money I’ll ever need – if I die by 4:00 p.m. today.
73. Google Maps really needs to start their directions on #5. Pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.
74. Life’s like a bird, it’s pretty cute until it craps on your head.
75. Don’t steal. That’s the government’s job.
76. A fine is a tax for doing wrong. A tax is a fine for doing well.
77. Women should not have children after 35. Really… 35 children are enough.
78. Lite: the new way to spell “Light,” now with 20% fewer letters!
79. I went to see my doctor. “Doctor, every morning when I get up and look in the mirror, I feel like throwing up. What’s wrong with me?” He said “I don’t know but your eyesight is perfect.”
80. There are no winners in life…only survivors.
81. Some cause happiness wherever they go. Others whenever they go.
82. Without ME, it’s just AWESO.
83. The hardest thing to learn in life is which bridge to cross and which to burn.
84. I’m in shape. Round is a shape isn’t it?
85. The farther away the future is, the better it looks.
86. There are two kinds of people who don’t say much: those who are quiet and those who talk a lot.
87. I love to give homemade gifts. Which one of my kids do you want?
88. We are all part of the ultimate statistic – ten out of ten die.
89. I am willing to make the mistakes if someone else is willing to learn from them.
90. If you do a job too well, you will get stuck with it.
91. How do you get holy water? Boil the hell out of it.
92. I’d like to help you out, which way did you come in?
93. To find out a girl’s faults, praise her to her girlfriends.
94. Asking dumb questions is easier than correcting dumb mistakes.
95. Complex problems have simple, easy to understand, wrong answers.
96. Seen it all, done it all, can’t remember most of it.
97. The winner of the rat race is still a rat.
98. If you think education is expensive, try ignorance.
99. All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.
100. Why do women always ask questions that have no right answers?
101. is pretty sure I've never gotten that "runner's high" after running. Unless everyone's referring to the desire to vomit and lay flat on the floor. (Donna 'Binky' Knight)
102. The milk in my fridge went bad last night. It sexually assaulted the orange juice. (SamGirl Sunday)
103. There's no cool way to chase after a bouncing ping-pong ball. (Donna 'Binky' Knight)
104. It's pretty cowardly to put a ding in someone's car door without at least leaving a note scratched into the paint, such as, "LOL! -->" (Nobo Dy)
105. and on the eighth day, God created John Stamos. (Jeremy Shaw)
106. Dear FAMILY: Thanks so much for putting my empty cereal box back in the cabinet. Now I can have disappointment for breakfast. (Cassie Tarner)
107. To err is human. To forgive is divine. To forget is better. That’s why I drink wine. (SamGirl Sunday)
108. It's not that I'm jealous. I just hate good things happening to people. (MindFreak Covert Operative)
109. Whoever said practice makes perfect has never seen most white guys dance. (Tabatha Gayle Wickham)
110. bets that Inspector Gagdet really knew how to please a woman with all those extendable body parts.
111. (Nobo Dy)
112. Can you find the the mistake 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9? "Like" if you found it. (Ruben Esquivel)

113. If I were a bird, I would be the one that shows up right after they finish building the nest. (Victoria Beryl Zelinski)
114. If you don't like pirates, you aren't a real person. (Jeremy Shaw)
115. When my texts won't send, I feel isolated, like Tom Hanks in "Cast Away". (Andi Rogers)
116. FYI: If you beep your horn .03 seconds after the light changes green, I will shut off my car, lay on the hood, and feed birds for an hour. (Donna 'Binky' Knight)
117. How to stop SNORING: place pillow tightly over partner's face, hold until snoring stops, then delete this message. (Julie A Ostmann)
118. It seems to me as though, when the undertaker says, "Ashes to ashes and dust to dust", it's kind of a poetic cop out. (readymade777)
119. OOOOOO! AAAAAAH! OOOOOOO! AAAAAAAH! ooh! aah! ooh! aah! ooh! aah! OOOOOOO! ooo! AAAAAAH! (Just watching the fireworks... perverts!) HAPPY INDEPENDENCE DAY EVERYONE. (Donny Norris)
120. Remember: "Stop, Drop, and Roll" is not only an effective fire safety technique, but also a memorable way out of a boring conversation. (Jason Sellers)
121. No one told me the
122. Right way to write a haiku.
123. This last line probably has too many syllables. (Jeremy Shaw)
124. Surprise sex is the best way to wake up.... Unless you're in prison. (Simon Mashababe)
125. loves my boyfriend so much that I think I'm gonna let him out of the trunk for a little while. I just hope he doesn't try to run again, cuz I am not in the mood to play "chase the naked guy" today. (Lisa Arnold)
126. fell off a 50 foot ladder last night! Fortunately, I was on the bottom step. (Nobo Dy )
127. hates it when I wanna take a bath & there's a corpse in my bathtub dissolving in slaked lime. (Pamela Fazio)
128. if all the world's a stage, then who's in the audience? (Joanne Harvey)
129. There are two types of people I hate in this world: 1) People who find a way of putting animals into words that aren't actually there. 2) And hippocrites. (गहिरो प्रेम)
130. When someone posts something that is longer than 4 lines, I just convince myself it's not funny. (Donna 'Binky' Knight)
131. My auto-reply to all fake event invitations is - "Has invited you to the event: Getting Unfriended". (SamGirl Sunday)
132. Nothing makes you a hypocrite quite like parenthood. (Donny Norris)
133. What did 0 say to 8? "Hey, nice belt! (Victoria Beryl Zelinski)
134. bet the Walmart edition of "What Not to Wear" is a very short episode. (Nobo Dy)

135. Doing the Moonwalk is the only way to look cool while wiping dog crap off your shoe. (Jason Sellers)
136. never repeats gossip...so listen carefully. (Jenni More)
137. sometimes worries about my short attention span, but not for very long. (Ismael Gonzalez)
138. saw a poor old lady fall down on the sidewalk. I presume she was poor, she only had $1.20 in her purse. (Dale Lanham)
139. A girl on Facebook posted about how she sprained her toe, and I didn't comment on how I hope it wasn't her camel toe, because I'm an adult. (Nobo Dy)
140. has come to realize that my children are like inmates at a jail: They eat for free, they are all innocent and they don't like the warden. (Mary Raleigh Smith)
141. It sucks when you forget to shake the ketchup and you get the gross juice on your plate. (Cassie Tarner)
142. is a little overdue on my bikini wax. Just call me Sascrotch. (Michelle Lacy Lauff)
143. This is annoying… some telemarketer keeps calling me asking about my favorite scary movie. WTF?! (Jacob Waring)
144. doesn't have any skeletons in my closet....So far, just a fresh pile of bodies. (Tiffani Causey Wallarab)
145. has mood poisoning, must have been something I hate...(Julie A Ostmann)
146. Whenever I see a car driving with a mattress tied to the top, I imagine it's a prostitute making a house call. (Donna 'Binky' Knight)
147. It bothers me when I see tax money wasted on signs telling deer where to cross the road. (Mhalou Diaz-Consengco)
148. is absolutely convinced that if breathing weren't involuntary, some people would suffocate. (Donna 'Binky' Knight)
149. is wondering how many calories my dog burns carrying each mouthful of her dog food all the way from the kitchen into the living room to eat it, then going back to the kitchen to get more. Maybe I should do that. (Alicia Lee Yost)
150. It's not child labor if they think they're playing a game. (Jenni More)
151. That Awkward Moment when someone calls you on the phone out of the blue just to ask how you're doing. Uhhh, can't you just look on Facebook? Geez! (Tiffani Causey Wallarab)
152. Chances are you're a stoner if your response to the question, "Do you smoke?" is "Smoke what?" proceeded by a long pause... "Cigarettes?" (Donna 'Binky' Knight)
153. is having one of those days where the only thing stopping me from killing someone is a rather convincing episode of CSI. (Ali PiratesninjasandDinosaurs Kerr)
154. Don't you hate it when you're texting lying down & all of a sudden your phone decides to be NINJA & slip through your hands & attack your face? (Srikant Tiwari)

155. Okay, these Facebook groups are getting stupid. "National Pokemon Hunting Week"? WTF?!?! Everyone knows that was last week...idiots. (Ali PiratesninjasandDinosaurs Kerr)
156. How is that even when I'm walking behind other people, my face still finds the spiderwebs? (Jeremy Shaw)
157. If you have never shot bottle rockets from a beer bottle at your drunk friends on the 4th of July, then you are not enjoying your freedom to the fullest. (Donny Norris)
158. Intelligent people are some of the biggest idiots I’ve ever met. (Mhalou Diaz-Consengco)
159. David's father has 3 sons. They are Snap, Krackle and ___. (Like if you get it, comment with your answer.) (Kyle Cook)
160. ‎"You are what you eat" has got to be the worst thought-out quote ever. Technically our body discards much of what we eat, therefore the quote, "You are, what you don't sh!*" would likely be more applicable. (Robert Norris Hills)
161. thinks it's funny when someone passes you in the hall and asks you how you're doing but doesn't stop long enough for you to reply. (Donny Norris)
162. used to spend hundreds on my own fireworks display, but due to the sluggish economy, instead, I've bought some Rice Krispies and a half gallon of milk. SnAp CrAcKlE pOP! (Lyn Pefley-Lees)
163. Don't say goodnight via status update...just go to bed. (Jeff Retter)
164. Weird compliments are fun. ‎"I like your shoelaces man." "Why? They're just regular shoelaces?" "Hey now, don't be insecure, those shoelaces are smazzylicious," then walk away. Their expression will be the funniest thing you see all day. (Jeremy Shaw)
165. We need a way of telling people they have bad breath without hurting their feelings. Like, "Well, I'm bored...let's go brush our teeth!" (Shell_1426)
166. They should start putting beer in those Capri Sun pouches so when you can't get the straw in, you're cut off. (Rod West)
167. This Sunny D tastes like I can't afford orange juice. (Nobo Dy)
168. Boy: So, sex at my place?
169. Girl: Yah!
170. Boy: OK, but I sleep in a bunk bed with my younger brother and he thinks we’re making sandwiches so this is the code. Cheese= Faster. Tomato= Harder.
171. Girl: OK?
172. ~Later~
173. …Girl: CHEESE CHEESE TOMATO CHEESE!
174. Brother: Stop making sandwiches! You’re getting mayo all over my bed!
175. I know the world isn’t going 2 end in 2012 cuz my yogurt expires in 2013!

176. I like to name my ipod ‘Titanic’ so when it says ‘Syncing Titanic’ i click cancel and it makes me feel like a hero.
177. Whats the difference between Justin Bieber And a Snickers bar? A snIckers bar has nuts.
178. Hello everyone. Look at your status, now back to mine, now back to yours, now back to mine. Sadly, yours isn’t mine. But if you stopped posting about other things and made this your status, yours could be like mine. Look down, back up. Where are you? You’re on Facebook, reading the status your status could be like
179. Is wondering if you can grow marijuana on Farmville then sell it on Mafia Wars?
180. I love it when my computer says ” are you sure you want to continue unprotected ”
181. Roses are redish, Violets are blueish, if it weren’t for Christmas, we would all be Jewish!
182. People make the world go around but at some point don’t you wish it were flat so all the idiots would keep walking and never come back?
183. NEVER trust a man in a wheelchair with dirty shoes.
184. I love how, in scary movies, the person yells out, “Hello?” As if the bad guy is gonna be like, “Yeah, I`m in the kitchen! Want a sandwich?”
185. what’s the difference between puberty & a water bottle? a water bottle hit Justin Bieber first! (;
186. Going to McDonalds for salad is like going to a prostitute for a hug.
187. Roses are Red, Nuts are brown, Skirts go Up, Pants go Down, Body to Body, Skin to Skin, When it is Stiff, Stick it In, The Longer its In, The stronger it Gets, It goes in Dry, Comes out Wet, It comes out dripping,and it starts to Sag, Its not what you Think …its a Teabag xD
188. Mrs. Bin Laden just updated her Facebook status to single.
189. Sometimes your Knight in shinning armour is just an idiot wrapped in tinfoil.
190. We guys have two emotions: Hungry and Horny. If you see us without an erection, make us a sandwich !
191. If 4 out of 5 people suffer from diarrehea…does that mean one person enjoys it?
192. status: I can’t log into facebook
193. A bug just landed on my computer screen and my first reaction was on try and scare it away with the curser
194. Did you know in Japan girls keep their phones on vibrate and put them down their crotch? Don’t feel bad if they don’t answer. It means they’re busy All i want to know is, where can i get a number?
195. Your make-up looks so pretty:) lol jk it looks like a crayola raped your face!!!
196. My friends status said, “standing on the edge of a cliff :/”…so i poked him.
197. Have you ever looked at someone and thought to yourself “Dude, that’s the sperm that won???”
198. Sometimes i fill up my blow up doll with helium so its playing hard to get.
199. i know three facts about you, one you can’t say M without your lips touching, two your trying it now and you look like an idiot alien, three now your smiling
200. Sorry, Ke$ha the party dont stop till I walk in.
201. honk if you love Jesus Textwhile driving if you want to meet him.
202. Last Night I Dreamt I was Eating A Giant Marshmallow……..When I Woke Up My Pillow Was Gone.
203. How much coke has Charlie Sheen done?……………enough to kill 2 1/2 men….
204. I love how justin bieber can hit high notes but not puberty!
205. Roses are red, violets are blue, a face like yours, belongs in the zoo, don’t be mad, i’ll be there, not in the cage, but laughing at you.
206. Relationships are like Tom & Jerry: They tease each other, knock down each other, irritate each other, but can’t live without each other.
207. I WISH i could be a status, so you could LIKE me .
208. I tried to log on to Facebook. It said, “Cookies are required to operate.” I thought to myself, “Me too, Facebook. Me too.”
209. A divorced man walks over to his ex-wifes new hubby n asked…so how does it feel enjoying 2nd hand goods?..Doesn’t bother me,he responds..actually once u get past the 1st 3 inches, the rest is all brand new.
210. I wonder what will happen if Steve Jobs dies…. His tombstone may read – iDead…
211. Got into a fight with my alarm clock this morning it wanted me to wake up i disagreed now the alarms broken and im wide awake…not sure who won.
212. I just broke up with someone and the last thing she said to me was “You’ll never find anyone like me again!” I’m thinking, “I should hope not! If I don’t want you, why would I want someone like you.
213. A kid got bad marks in his test, he showed his test to his mom. His mom said ” what is this”? He answered teachers star stickers were finished so she gave me a full moon!!!
214. Please copy and paste this to your status if you know someone, or have been affected by someone who needs a punch in the face. People who need a punch in the face affect the lives of many. There is still no known cure for someone who deserves a punch in the face, except for a punch in the face. But we can still raise awareness!
215. One day a chicken croxed the road and met james bond and said whats your name?? ….bond james bond… whats yours??..ken chick ken!
216. Behind every great woman is a man looking at her ass!
217. I’d rather Cry over cuts & stitches. not sluts & bitches !
218. Don’t ever laugh in the bathroom it will make people think ur playing with yourse

219. Look at your status. Now back to mine. Now back to yours. Now back to mine. Sadly, yours isn't mine. But if you stopped posting about other things and made this your status, yours could be like mine. Look down. Back up. Where are you? .........You're on Facebook, reading the status your status could be like! Anything is possible when your Facebook status looks like this one...
220. This just in... Apple has just hired LeBron James to fix the iPhone signal problem!
221. knows how to stop the BP Oil leak from putting out... Just put a giant wedding ring on it!
222. says finally an iPhone killer... Your left hand!
223. says Hello ladies, look at your man, now back to me, now back at your man, now back to me. Sadly, he isn’t me. Look down, back up, where are you? You’re on a boat with the man your man could smell like. What’s in your hand, back at me. I have it, it’s an oyster with two tickets to that thing you love. Look again, the tickets are now diamonds. I’m on a horse.
224. sometimes runs up to strangers on the street and yells "YOU'RE IT!!" and then runs away.
225. is a little down since nobody wished her a happy birthday today, which isn't surprising really, since it isn't my birthday.
226. is wondering if you choke a smurf... what colour would he turn?
227. hates it when people say stuff in their status updates that you really didn't want to know? I hate that. Anyway, I gotta go poo.
228. not only had to take his mom to the prom.. he had to pay her $20...
229. You f***ing do. You go out in public and it’s a f***ing embarrassment. You look like a f***ing bitch on heat.!@#$$@#$... SORRY Mel Gibson was updating my status update.
230. has breaking news.. many iPhone4 users are irrate that their wireless signal suddenly drops. Steve Jobs said the problem is in the software and recommends that they download the latest version of Apple's iDon'tcare.
231. 's Miami sources say, Lebron James is not signing with them anymore. He's going to stop the oil spill!! He is going to clog the pipes with his ego.
232. decided to burn lots of calories today so I set a fat kid on fire!
233. One day your prince will come. Mine just took a wrong turn, got lost and too stubborn to ask for directions.
234. When someone rings the doorbell, why do dogs always assume it’s for them?
235. I speak my mind. I never mind what I speak.
236. sometimes, not remembering mey be the better.
237. X says my computer just beat me at chess…but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
238. X is color blind and trying to solve a rubiks cube… This could take a while.
239. X is the girl next door…if you live next door to a whore house.
240. What is fat, ginger and pregnant? Nothing..
241. slept like a baby last night…. Waking up every 3 hours crying for food.
242. wanted to kill the sexiest person alive…But suicide’s a crime.
243. X is proud of herself. She finished a jigsaw puzzle in 6 months and the box said 2-4 years.
244. People say that love is in every corner……gosh! maybe i’m moving in circles..
245. Why is a newspaper ten times more interesting when somebody across the table is reading it?
246. Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when you criticize them, you’re a mile away and you have their shoes.
247. WARNING: Objects in mirror are fatter than they appear.
248. ║▌║█║▌║▌││║▌║█║▌│║▌║█║▌║▌││║▌║ *ZAP* *BEEP* Price: $7.95
249. Dear Santa, let me explain…
250. I think my girlfriend has had sixty-one boyfriends before me. She calls me her sixty second lover.
251. My wife said I’m too immature and if I don’t grow up it’s going to erect a barrier between us. Ha ha ha, erect.
252. If guys had periods, they’d brag about the size of their tampons.
253. Make love, not war. Hell, do both. Get married.
254. Marriage is a sort of friendship recognized by the police.
255. Statistically, 132% of all people exaggerate.
256. Statistically 5/4 of people have trouble with fractions.
257. ٩(•̮̮̃•̃)۶ ٩(-̮̮̃-̃)۶ ٩(●̮̮̃•̃)۶ ٩(͡๏̯͡๏)۶ ٩(-̮̮̃•̃)۶
258. _̴ı̴̴̡̡̡ ̡͌l̡̡̡ ̡͌l̡*̡̡ ̴̡ı̴̴̡ ̡̡͡|̲̲̲͡͡͡ ̲▫̲͡ ̲̲̲͡͡π̲̲͡͡ ̲̲͡▫̲̲͡͡ ̲|̡̡̡ ̡ ̴̡ı̴̡̡ ̡͌l̡̡̡
259. if only life came with a ◄◄ REW ► PLAY ▌▌PAUSE █▌STOP
260. scratch here ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ to reveal today’s status.
261. ̿̿̿ ̿’ ̿’̵͇̿̿з=(•̪●)=ε/̵͇̿̿/’̿’̿ ̿ this is a stick-up… give me ALL yo [̲̅$̲̅(̲̅1̲̅)̲̅$̲̅]!
262. Some people come into our lives & leave footprints on our hearts. Others come into our lives & make us wanna leave footprints on their face.
263. The only place you find success before work is in the dictionary.
264. Boys are like baby diapers when they get to be filled with shit they are thrown to be replaced.
265. i’ve yet to meet a woman who got pregnant from swallowing.
266. Cut here —————–✄———————-
267. Me and my wife are inseparable. Sometimes, it takes three or four people to pull us apart.
268. I speak my mind. I never mind what I speak.
269. People who write diet books live off the fat of the land.
270. Dance like no one’s going to put it on YouTube.
271. Doctors waiting room needs some music. And better lighting. And more women. And a pole in the middle of the room. And a buffet.
272. Best Friends Listen to what you dont say.
273. Just wanted to let you know that you are my BFBFF… Best Facebook Friend Forever..
274. So many stupid people, and so few asteroids.
275. X thinks that Facebook is the compost heap for my brain.
276. Yes, I know how to shut up. I just don’t know when.
277. You miss 100 percent of the shots u never take.
278. Me and the gummy bears have a plot to rule the world but shhhhh its a secret.
279. I use to be great at wordplay. Once a pun a time.
280. Sometimes? Late at night? I rearrange traffic signs. People need to be challenged.
281. I guess if you spoke your mind, you’d be speechless, huh?
282. X thinks that 100-calorie packs have just enough cookies to piss me off!!
283. Alcohol does NOT make you fat…it makes you lean…against tables,chairs,walls, floors and ….Ugly people!!!
284. what has two ears and cant hear? —————–.> GRANDPA
285. I’m not a racer….But i can fly.
286. press the star below and watch it glow
287. ▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒▒ click star then up arrow to left to reveal status.
288. I thinks my neighbor just caught me stealing his Wi-Fi internet.
289. Teaching your own mother how to use Facebook is like willingly signing your own death warrant.
290. X is wondering why Facebook bothers to give the option of “liking” my own comment? Of course I like my own comments. I’m awesome..
291. Every day, man is making bigger and better fool-proof things, and every day, nature is making bigger and better fools. So far, I think nature is winning.
292. I swear my pillow could be a hairstylist I always wake up with the wierdest hairdos.
293. X just received a coupon in the mail: Buy one sock, get one FREE! While socks last.
294. X believes that if you tell your boss what you really think of him, the truth will set you free.
295. ¡ǝɯıʇ ǝɯɐs ǝɥʇ ʇɐ ʞooqǝɔɐɟ ǝsn puɐ puɐʇspuɐɥ ɐ op ʎןןɐuıɟ uɐɔ
296. Smile, it’s the second best thing you can do with your lips.
297. oh I’m sorry! i didn’t realise you were giving me a dirty look…i just thought you were ugly like that all the time!!
298. wants to merge MySpace, Facebook, YouTube and Twitter and call it: MY FACE YOU TWIT.
299. X says don’t look at me in that tone of voice.
300. Is anyone going to put anything funny on here?????
301. If women ruled the world there would be no wars. Just a bunch of jealous countries not talking to each other.
302. eat eat and eat….but don’t eat my brain.
303. I married my wife for her looks. But not the ones she’s been giving me lately!
304. a guy knocked on my door today asking for a donation for the local primary school’s pool. I went away and came back with a cup of water….. Is that wrong?
305. ʎɐqǝ uo pɹɐoqʎǝʞ ɐ ʎnq ı ǝɯıʇ ʇsɐן ǝɥʇ sı sıɥʇ
306. All men are born free and equal. If they go and get married, that’s their own fault.
307. too cool for school.
308. trying to think of clever things to say after inhaling from a helium balloon.
309. the kid next door’s imaginary friend.
310. –^v–^v–^v–^v-_____^v–^v–^v– For a second there, I was bored to death.
311. definitely not watching what not to wear.
312. forcing my dog to learn how to google.
313. kissing a girl and may or may not be liking it.
314. Got out of jury duty by prefacing every answer with “according to the prophecy”
315. X is Loading ████████████ 99%
316. Dont you find it Funny that after Monday(M) and Tuesday(T), the rest of the week says WTF?
317. U have 10 fish, 5 drown, 3 come back to life. How many fish do you have? Stop counting smart one. Fish cant Drown.
318. X went to the book store earlier to buy a ‘Where’s Wally’ book. When I got there, I couldn’t find the book anywhere. Well played Wally, well played.
319. Hi, my name is Damimeve. The ‘mime’ is silent.
320. I’ve always wondered if film directors wake up screaming “CUT! CUT! CUUUUUT!” when they have nightmares.
321. In an interview, “I can multitask housework with facebook!”
322. X is coloring on your wall! ((̲̅ ̲̅(̲̅C̲̅r̲̅a̲̅y̲̅o̲̅l̲̲̅̅a̲̅( ̲̅̅((>
323. never judges a book by its cover. She uses the paragraph on the back, it tells you what the story is about.
324. a day late and a dollar short.
325. Insert coin to view my status message.
326. If somebody offers you a lifetime supply of candy and there is just one piece, don’t eat it: It’s probably poison.
327. We have so much in common. You want to travel,I want you to go .
328. happy that you finally broke up with that slut. Now I can tell you VIA facebook update that I boinked her.
329. seen pictures of you naked on the internet.
330. remembers the day when blackberry and apple were just fruit.