The Top Wittiest 20 Status Updates

Funny Facebook Status and Statuses. Google+, Twitter Funny, Witty, and Hilarious Status Updates.

1. Just saw a guy using a payphone. I can only assume he's being told where to deliver the ransom money.
2. I wish my uncle was still alive. He used to pull quarters out of my ear and now I could really use the change
3. I don't have psychotic episodes. They're more like a miniseries.
4. The hardest part about going to Hypochondriacs Anonymous is admitting that you don't have a problem.
5. Say what you want about drunk people, but at least they've had all their shots.
6. My family's Coat of Arms ties at the back
7. If you ever hit rock bottom, bring some beer. I'm almost out.
8. Hey Hawaii, your punch is delicious. Keep up the good work
9. I've had my share of combat experience... after all, I'm married to a loose cannon.
10. During a performance at a concert hall in Bermuda last night, the man playing the triangle disappeared
11. On a scale of 9 to 10, how would you rate me?
12. I made my computer password "Yes", because my wife apparently doesn't know that word.
13. Back in my day we had to be social in person.
14. The sincerest form of flattery is a steamroller.
15. Tweeting in the car. Don't worry, I'm in the passenger seat. Which makes it harder to drive, but fools the cops.
16. I look just like Brad Pitt on the inside.Why is it so hard to find an exercise bike with a nice little basket where I can put my nachos?
17. Why is it so hard to find an exercise bike with a nice little basket where I can put my nachos?
18. This orange juice says concentrate, but it doesn't say for how long.
19. "How?" - Dyslexic Owl
20. I wish I could autocorrect my life.