Miscellaneous Funny, Cool, and Witty Status Updates for Facebook and Twitter

"Miscellaneous" Funny, Cool, and Witty Status Updates for Facebook and Twitter

Here's what we got so far (add yours as a comment) :

John...

1. was denied adoption of a baby boy from Malawi.
2. will never under any circumstances take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night again!
3. is reading his friends' statuses and adding 'in bed' to the end of each one.
4. is for external use only. See your doctor before administering.
5. will never put salt in my eye. never Put Salt in my eye. Put Salt in my eye. Always put salt in my eye.
6. didn't mean to accept your friend request. This is the last status you will read.
7. is only a test. If this were the real NAME, and not a test, you would have been informed.
8. never makes stupid mistakes ..... only very clever ones .....
9. gets drunk on one drink. The trouble is, I can't remember if it's the thirteenth or the fourteenth.
10. would like you to give him back that filet o' fish! Give me that fish!
11. Says touch your head. Touch your nose. NAME didn't say touch your nose.
12. is really tired of kidney stones
13. smells better than he tastes
14. often rambles on and on about this and that seeming to be heading towards a point but really just blabbing about nothing.
15. has a clear conscience or was that a bad memory?
16. is modest and proud of it!
17. is boycotting shampoo and demanding real poo!
18. was reviewing your profile but couldn't turn the suck down!
19. is a vegetarian, not because he loves animals but because he hates plants!
20. wouldn't be caught dead with a necrophiliac.
21. better than Ezra
22. typing feverishly on his Blackberry pretending to do work but really updating his Facebook status
23. the guy who stole the frigg'n cookie from the cookie jar. Now shutup!
24. pleased to meet you. Hope you guessed my name.
25. being recalled by Fisher Price because he may contain traces of led paint
26. stomping his feet because he's happy and he knows it.
27. going..... and going..... and going..... and going....
28. sdrawkcab gnipyT
29. inviting you to play with his touchscreen.
30. secretly hoping the video he and Paris made last night is released on TMZ
31. lost in translation
32. shaking it like a polaroid picture
33. shaken not stirred
34. brought to you by the letters W T F
35. raging against the machine!
36. taking his sugar with coffee and creme
37. currently out of his mind but please feel free to leave a message
38. the one that put a hole in the ozone layer
39. all that
40. drinking in a box, NAME is drinking with a Fox, NAME will drink green beer and Rum, NAME will drink them till he's numb...
41. the reason the chicken crossed the road
42. with your girlfriend.
43. filmed before a live stuido audience
44. trapped in the facebook status message textbox; send help!
45. not the droid you're looking for.
46. not your friend.
47. finding your lack of faith disturbing
48. sensing something; a presence he hasn't felt since...
49. better than you.
50. not for everyone. Clinical tests show that he may cause nausea, fatigue, and kidney or liver problems. Ask
51. your doctor if he is right for you
52. gonna kick your rear end from here to Tienanmen Square.
53. made of meat. Your whole family is made of meat
54. a lumberjack and he's okay. He drinks all night and works all day
55. the second comin